shouldn't it be five or six more years before I want this? or maybe I'm just lucky to be so in love while I'm still so young.

I want to write about this because I'm all muddled up about it and don't know WHAT to think. Last night when I was walking to DIT, this guy accosted me outside of a bar. You know:

"C'mere, I just want to talk to you don't be afraid I'm not going to HURT you come on I just want to talk to you it's ok COME HERE"

maybe I should have crossed the street but he didn't seem that scary, just drunk and he was dressed like someone going to DIT and not like a bro and he was my age. But then he grabbed me and his friends were saying stuff like "Oh she looks so scared" and he was like "I'm not going to HURT you are you on your way to DIT? Going to see Defiance, OH? Com on I just want to TALK to you, why are you afraid of me?!?!?"

And I wanted to say: because you're bigger and stronger than me, and you smell like beer, and I'm alone, but you have 4 or 5 punk friends with you and all of you are drinking. And I wanted to say something to the girls standing around saying that I look scared, like wouldn't you be?

I walked away and said sorry, like it was my fault, and I said that "I just don't like this" because I couldn't think of anything else to say, and I saw my friend Brett in the distance, and I wanted to feel like I wasn't the center of attention and like I was being a bitch. And he's yelling after me, "Oh, you don't like meeting new people. You don't like making friends. Fuck that"

When I got there I told Brett about it- and he and Eddie were all "What did he look like? Who is he?" but I shrugged it off because (I think Bri used this term in a zine) "macho boy revenge" isn't really the answer, the answer is stop treating women like shit.

I don't know anymore.

Mary Ann told me

that she's writing a poem about how I said

"I have to go dancing" and told me

to get a job where I can travel,

and never get married.

the most important thing is

to be independent. After all,

she's been around for sixty-one years

longer than me, so she knows better

than to fall in love.

I hope I'll be just fine in the end.

I know it's for the best but

I can't help but feel immeasurably sad and miserable.

tough

it's hard to think about how there's only one more year of this left. I hope there are people like this in the grown-up world.

New Resolution

I am not supporting shitty businesses anymore. I will not. From now on, it's only closeouts and thrift stores.

the end.