shouldn't it be five or six more years before I want this? or maybe I'm just lucky to be so in love while I'm still so young.

I want to write about this because I'm all muddled up about it and don't know WHAT to think. Last night when I was walking to DIT, this guy accosted me outside of a bar. You know:

"C'mere, I just want to talk to you don't be afraid I'm not going to HURT you come on I just want to talk to you it's ok COME HERE"

maybe I should have crossed the street but he didn't seem that scary, just drunk and he was dressed like someone going to DIT and not like a bro and he was my age. But then he grabbed me and his friends were saying stuff like "Oh she looks so scared" and he was like "I'm not going to HURT you are you on your way to DIT? Going to see Defiance, OH? Com on I just want to TALK to you, why are you afraid of me?!?!?"

And I wanted to say: because you're bigger and stronger than me, and you smell like beer, and I'm alone, but you have 4 or 5 punk friends with you and all of you are drinking. And I wanted to say something to the girls standing around saying that I look scared, like wouldn't you be?

I walked away and said sorry, like it was my fault, and I said that "I just don't like this" because I couldn't think of anything else to say, and I saw my friend Brett in the distance, and I wanted to feel like I wasn't the center of attention and like I was being a bitch. And he's yelling after me, "Oh, you don't like meeting new people. You don't like making friends. Fuck that"

When I got there I told Brett about it- and he and Eddie were all "What did he look like? Who is he?" but I shrugged it off because (I think Bri used this term in a zine) "macho boy revenge" isn't really the answer, the answer is stop treating women like shit.

I don't know anymore.

Mary Ann told me

that she's writing a poem about how I said

"I have to go dancing" and told me

to get a job where I can travel,

and never get married.

the most important thing is

to be independent. After all,

she's been around for sixty-one years

longer than me, so she knows better

than to fall in love.

I hope I'll be just fine in the end.

I know it's for the best but

I can't help but feel immeasurably sad and miserable.

tough

it's hard to think about how there's only one more year of this left. I hope there are people like this in the grown-up world.

New Resolution

I am not supporting shitty businesses anymore. I will not. From now on, it's only closeouts and thrift stores.

the end.

Hands

Once this old lady at work told me that one day I'd look down while putting on a shirt and suddenly I'd see that my hands are my mother's hands.

well, I think it's happening. I don't mind though. My mom is beautiful.

In accordance with my New Year's Resolutions

I haven't eaten any bacon in 2010.

you're all talk

I appreciate that you whispered

"if he was here, I would beat him up"

at the party but it's too late now

because that happened two years ago

and if you wanted to help,

you shouldn't have left me alone

anyway I don't need you

at least not for beating up boys

who I used to be in love with.

New Year's Resolutions

1. Eat healthier. Not so much cheese n crackers, not so much bacon, not so much processed food, not so many SWEETS! Learn to cook more stuff! (no heart attacks at age 30, ok.)

2. Work harder. Do homework as soon as it's assigned! It will be easier and more enjoyable this way.

3. Clean room, and keep it clean. . . this will be easy if I do #2.

4. Be ambitious and independent!!! Do what you have to do.

I keep feeling like I'm sitting in AnnMarie LeBlanc's office waiting for my letter about whether I passed sophomore review or not.

I really really like

the way that Danny and Alfred talk to me about their band. It seems kind of silly- and I like the way that both of them always talk to me (what gentlemen!)- but it's really nice to not be dismissed in regards to music. A lot of the time when boys talk about their bands they're talking down to me, or trying to impress me in that I'm-a-boy-in-a-band-who-writes-songs way.

but when they talk to me, it's just 3 bros, talkin bout music.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm glad they're a part of my life.

(along with all my other friends!)

so I try to do something really kind: I invite one of my friends to go to a concert for a band she loves with me because she's sad about breaking up with her ex-boyfriend, and I tell her she can pay me back for the ticket with groceries because I love her and want her to come with me, only to discover that the ex-boyfriend will be there.  And I now I feel like a big old asshole/moron.  GEEEZ.

after the part where I say, "I'm just really busy right now," you're supposed to say, "well, can I come over anyway, just for a minute?  I really want to see you."

the world is getting to be a little much

I have got to stop saying things I don't mean.  Shit

6 of one, half-dozen of the other

I'm not a big fan of chain stores; yes, I do patronize them sometimes (though I do try to limit it, money gets in the way), but I prefer to support local businesses.  So working at a local business is pretty cool for me.  It's a gourmet grocery store, and I think that it's a really great place to work, and I like my job a lot.  I see firsthand how much the store helps the community with donations and events, and it's really cool to be able to directly communicate with the store's owners.  It's very comforting to know that if a problem arises, management has your back.  (and they have had my back on a few occasions.)

But I recently discovered that there was a lawsuit about racial discrimination against the store in the early 90s.  It's not like that anymore, but it was really disheartening to know that the former owner (now retired) could be that way, because he was someone I looked up to.  When I mentioned the lawsuit to a coworker, she brought up that the business IS a "good old boys" kind of place and that the female managers still make far less money than the male managers.

It broke my heart.  I still think it's a good place to shop, and an even better place to work.  But I can't look at the owners the same way anymore.  I guess it's like shopping at American Apparel- no sweatshops, just sexual harassment.

So how do you choose what to take a stand on?  I guess there aren't easy answers to anything.

this year

I want to work harder than ever.  I'm going to be the best designer ever!  (ha!) but I might as well try, I guess.